Betrayal Trauma and the Pain of No Longer Trusting Yourself

The Hidden Wound of Betrayal: Losing Trust in Yourself

Many clients I work with come to therapy to heal emotional wounds that occurred in relationships. Many of those wounds leave a person feeling that they can no longer trust their own judgement about who it is “safe” to be in a relationship with. We expect betrayal to destroy our trust in others, but what often hurts most is the loss of trust in ourselves. After betrayal, people frequently wonder: How did I not see it coming? Why did I ignore red flags? These questions reflect the essence of relationship trauma.

Psychotherapist Donald K. Brothers (2013) described trauma as “a betrayal of self-trust,” a profound disturbance in our ability to rely on our own perceptions, instincts, and emotions (Brothers, Trust Disturbance and the Sexual Revictimization of Incest Survivors). When our internal compass is damaged, we often go between self-blame and self-protection, caught between shame and numbness. This erosion of inner trust makes it difficult to feel grounded in future relationships, and people may begin to question whether they can ever trust their judgment again (Reddan, 2023).

Understanding Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma occurs when a trusted person such as a partner, family member, or close friend violates a fundamental sense of safety and loyalty. What makes this trauma unique is that it combines loss with attachment: the same person who causes pain is often the one we depend on for comfort or security. This paradox creates deep confusion in the nervous system and psyche.

Researcher Frank Reddan (2023) found that betrayal trauma can result in chronic anxiety, emotional disconnection, self-doubt, and hypervigilance in future relationships. Many survivors report feeling disoriented within their own minds, unsure whether to trust their emotions, memories, or intuitions. Over time, this leads to patterns of self-abandonment or overcontrol — both protective responses to the fear of being hurt again.

How You Can Use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to Heal Betrayal Trauma

Internal Family Systems (IFS), created by Dr. Richard Schwartz, provides a compassionate and evidence-informed framework for healing betrayal trauma and rebuilding self-trust. IFS is based on the understanding that the mind is made up of “parts” which are distinct inner subpersonalities that carry different emotions, beliefs, and protective roles.

When betrayal occurs, different parts of us respond to the pain. One part may become angry and vow never to trust again. Another part may feel ashamed, believing the betrayal was somehow deserved. A third part may numb out completely, deciding that feeling nothing is safer than feeling hurt. Still another part may emerge as an inner critic, repeating messages like, “You should have known better.”

In IFS therapy, the goal is not to silence or eliminate these parts but to get to know them from a place of compassion. As clients learn to relate to their parts from the Self which is the calm, centered, and wise core of consciousness, they begin to understand that these protective strategies were attempts to prevent further harm. Healing occurs when we can approach each part with curiosity rather than judgment.

Rebuilding Self-Trust with IFS

The process of restoring self-trust begins by recognizing the inner system that developed around betrayal. Through IFS, clients can witness the parts that carry pain, fear, or shame, and the protectors that try to keep that pain from surfacing. As these parts feel heard and understood, they can release the burdens of blame, fear, and unworthiness that they have carried for years.

This process unfolds in several stages. First, clients learn to recognize and welcome their protective parts. Next, they gently witness the emotions and memories held by the vulnerable parts that were hurt by betrayal. Through guided IFS work, these parts can begin to unburden beliefs such as “I can’t trust myself,” “I’m not worthy of love,” or “It was my fault.” Finally, as burdens lift, the Self begins to lead by bringing a renewed sense of calm, clarity, and confidence.

As therapist M. Fulgieri (2025) writes in Healing Relational Trauma, “When we feel safe within ourselves, love no longer feels like a risk — it feels like coming home” (Fulgieri, 2025).

From Self-Doubt to Self-Trust

Healing from betrayal trauma is not about forcing forgiveness or forgetting what happened. It is about reclaiming your relationship with yourself. When your internal system feels safe, you no longer need to suppress your emotions or question your intuition. You begin to trust your own perceptions again, which is the foundation for rebuilding trust in others.

Through IFS therapy, survivors of betrayal often find they can reconnect with their inner wisdom and develop relationships that feel safe and authentic. As B. Hedva (2001) notes in Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness, “The pain of betrayal becomes sacred when it teaches us to trust ourselves again” (Hedva, 2001).

Healing betrayal trauma is ultimately a process of returning home to the Self. By learning to listen to and care for the parts that were wounded, we rediscover the strength, intuition, and compassion that betrayal once obscured. Self-trust is not something we have to earn back; it is something we can remember.

References

Brothers, D. (2013). Trust disturbance and the sexual revictimization of incest survivors: A self-psychological perspective. In J. L. Davies (Ed.), Shattered selves: Multiple personality in a postmodern world (pp. 89–104). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203778852-7

Fulgieri, M. (2025). Healing relational trauma: Move beyond painful childhood experiences to deepen self-understanding and build authentic relationships. Sounds True. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=oO0aEQAAQBAJ

Hedva, B. (2001). Betrayal, trust, and forgiveness. Sterling & Stone. http://www.wynwordpress.com/s/BTFPublicPreview.pdf

Reddan, F. (2023). How do adult survivors of childhood abuse experience and understand their capacity to trust in relationships? [Doctoral dissertation, Dublin City University]. Dublin City University Institutional Repository.

https://doras.dcu.ie/29003/1/Frank%20Reddan%20Thesis%20Final%20Document%202023.pdf

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.